this little nightmare

what have i done? what can i do to change what i have done? maybe instead i will live with it move on ask God for some help and become a better person. i hope that this will teach me to love....

time flys no matter if its fun or not

i look at my past and i look to my future and all i see is the silly mistakes i have made thus far.
why is it that i realize things a bit to late especially in relationships, it really is a bit ridiculous at how naive i truly am
all i truly need in life is to succeed at being a good wife and mom i don't want to work i don't need to be noble peace prize winner or anything either all i desire is a simple life with a little country house to maintain and a family that knows God. yet it seems so to be quite difficult to find these days....

true friendship, love and pain

Friendship, Love and all the Pain

True friendship what is it really? Is it only being there during the good times or is it being there through it all, don’t get me wrong I have failed at being a true friend but I have none the less tried. However these last couple days I wonder who are my true friends?

why is it that I feel like when I am in need I can’t look through my phone book without coming to the realization that those contacts are only there in the good times for me yet not in the hard times. Why must secrets be kept? Why can't people tell the truth? Why is it that I feel like when I need a shoulder to cry on I feel like no one is there, all I have is myself with the faint feeling of Gods presents
Loneliness consumes my mind, my heart, and my body.

I hate this horrid feeling yes right now I am in deep pain my heart hurts like a thousand knives have stabbed it, it's not that I am still in love with him or want him back its that I still have the wound it's been only a mere 8 months how long did it take 1 day or even less, how is it that I am not even good enough to receive honesty from my so called friends or even from him for didn't he once say God brought me as his one and only and his true love that I was his future wife, his shining star. “What God brought together let no man separate…”

He accused me of cheating on him, did I? No, I have experienced firsthand what cheating and lying like that does to a person and their family. It happened in my own family not my parents but between two people who were like parents to me. I had deep hate in my heart for many years because of what happened. I myself would never do something so horrendous and cowardly and cause so much pain for another person. The truth of the matter is he was looking for a way out; he took the cowardly way and blamed me for the end of our love.
Now that I look back I see that he had more than once taken the cowardly road and had lied multiple times, I understand now that God has something better in mind for me, but to cross the path of forgiveness is something I must do first. Ephasians 4:31-32

Forgiveness is hard my heart is still broke but do others care? I feel like they don't they have forgotten the last year and 10 months. Does he care? No and that hurts much worse in fact that in itself does its own damage to my heart.

I do hope the best for them but could anybody have warned me? No, no they couldn't? Was it fear for if it was why didn't they trust God with it? Why didn’t they think to tell me that they were seeing each other for wasn’t she supposed to be my “friend?”
True friends can tell the truth, past love should be able too, but they didn't they took the cowardly road and stomped all over my heart once again.

To say we were not true love is to lie a thousand times over for we had a love that was like no other, it ended horrifically, in fact I would never do it over again for even to think about it the pain is too grand. Alfred Lord Tennyson I must say is not as wise as everyone says he is, for he wrote the famous saying, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” truth of the matter I would rather not love and not have to lose out then to feel the pain and sorrow that comes when the love ends. God says he will never give us more than we can handle but I must admit he pushes you so close to the ropes end he is the only one you can look to for help. Am I ready to ask him for help no, no I am not. Is my pride getting in the way? Yes. However I must fall on my knees anyways and beg for his mercy and help through this agony in which I feel.

Because of the last year, 7 months and 21 days I now know I can only trust God and nobody else. My heart has become a stone, how to fix that I have no idea and I prefer not to receive advice for nobody can nor will understand this. Please don't say you do for it is a lie. Not even he can relate to my pain for he had loved and lost before, it seems it was much easier for him to stand up and dust of his pants and find another girl to fall in love with him. Will she end up broken like the rest of us? I have no idea but I do not wish this upon her. Sometimes I think maybe if I had found love and lost love before him I wouldn’t be in so much pain but the answer to that is false for I let him and everyone else enter my heart far to fast, I am not meant to handle many relationships, I wasn’t built that way, I was built to be with only one man and that is the one God intends for me but I screwed up, I sinned, we sinned, so in happing we fell apart, we didn’t wait, we didn’t pray for one another, we didn’t ask for help until too late in the game and because of all of this we lost or in my case I lost, I don’t care about losing him as much as I do about everything else that I gave up spiritually and morally. Now what do I do with this half beaten shell of woman? Do I continue on my pursuit or do I let this whole happening beat me till I breathe my last breath? I will choose to continue on to search for my real prince not one masked by lies and bitter sweet words. If I call myself a daughter of Christ than I must go on does that mean it will be as easy as it was for him? No I cannot forget though I have tried, the past.

It sucks but the lesson learned is I must be blunt, honest and don't take anybodies bullshit and if that makes me seem like a bitch well I honestly don't give damn

I will still be there for those who come to me for I open my arms to all, this I know is the reason why I get trampled but I must handle it however I will not go to those who I know are fake for anything because I can no longer trust that any of them will really be there for me.

A true friend
friend
-noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.

When I first started writing this I want to when the affair began however now I don’t want to be informed on any of it I know enough as it is. I have lost a lot of so called “friendships” going through this mess but I must say I am okay with it. I have no problem giving them over to him for I would rather my friends be real instead of fake.

I have also come to the realization that I see now that he, “dusted off his pants” far sooner than I thought. If timing is to be correct he mentioned her when we sat down and met to exchange things, no wonder he had that cowardly behavior about him. He was too scared to say anything accept for, “not… that.. I have.. but when I do move on…” meaning he had. If he were to tell me differently there would be no reason to believe him, everything that comes from his lips including the, “I would never be able to get over you if we broke up,” to the, “I will love you till I die,” were pure lies (sweet to hear but poison to believe.)

No I have not nor will I have contact with her for it is known that she was in love with him, he and I both knew it from the beginning.

My issue is with him for his cowardly ways have led to so much grief. I want nothing more to do with him or anyone that was supposedly “our” friends from camp.

Camp was once a God filled place until I became a “returnee” than I saw the reality of it, it was all Fake! The people, the place, the message. If their message was sincere and from the heart wouldn’t the rest of camp be the same you cannot give something that has no worth.

My life from here on out will have little to no memory of him it helps that I either gave back, threw away, literally broke or sold anything that reminded me of him and his cowardly ways for even the once good memories have been tainted my smell of lies and deceit.

So to end this I say good luck on life to the both of them

Oh and some advice:
1. Stop being a coward
2. Learn to support her
3. Get a fucking job!


P.S. life hasn’t been so hard without you and now that I am saying farewell the hideous drama shall come to an end and I can find a real man that I won’t have to wear “the pants” in the relationship.

the days have passed with the memories in tow

it may not seem like it but happiness is blooming! its been 5 months and i am so blessed to see that God is showing me that their is more to be captured, more to be remembered, more to be loved and more to be lived. change can suck but be patient and wait to see what comes from it

time to start a new path

fpu! here i am so God lets have some fun!!!

the songs that taylor swift wrote that seem to fit so perfectly

Forever and Always

Once upon a time
I believe it was a Tuesday
When I caught your eye
We caught onto something
I hold onto the night
You looked me in the eye
And told me you loved me

Were you just kidding?

Cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down
We almost never speak
I don’t feel welcome anymore
Baby what happened
Please tell me cause one second it was perfect
Now you’re halfway out the door

And I stare, at the phone
He still, hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel, nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said
Forever and always

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you’re here and it rains when you’re gone
Cause I was there when you said
Forever and always

Was I out of line? Did I say something way to honest?
Did you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I’m not so sure

Breathe lyrics
Songwriters: Caillat, Colbie; Swift, Taylor Alison;

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Tell Me Why lyrics
Songwriters: Rose, Liz; Swift, Taylor Alison;

I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground, I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me then you cut me down

And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around

And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?

You could write a book on how
To ruin someone's perfect day
Well, I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what I'm trying to say, oh

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around

And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around

Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?

Why do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside?
Why do you have to put down my dreams
So you're the only thing on my mind?

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you want me then cut me down

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I've got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around

Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why? Why? Tell me, why?

I take a step back; let you go
I told you I'm not bulletproof
Now you know

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I’m cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I’m comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I’m cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I’m faking
and my heart's not breaking
Cause I’m not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I’m cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh

And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

Picture To Burn lyrics
Songwriters: Rose, Liz; Swift, Taylor Alison;

State the obvious
I didn’t get my perfect fantasy
I realized you love yourself
More that you could ever love me

So go and tell your friends
That I’m obsessive and crazy
That’s fine, I’ll tell mine
You’re gay and by the way

(You won't mind if I say, and by the way...)

I hate that stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You’re a redneck, heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying

So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
As far as I’m concerned
You’re just another picture to burn

There’s no time for tears
I’m just sitting here planning my revenge
There’s nothing stopping me
From going out with all of your best friends

And if you come around
Saying sorry to me
My daddy’s going to show you
How sorry you’ll be

Cause I hate that stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You’re a redneck, heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying

And so watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
As far as I’m concerned
You’re just another picture to burn

And if you’re missing me
You better keep it to yourself
Cause coming back around here
Would be bad for your health

Cause I hate that stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You’re a redneck, heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying

So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
In case you haven’t heard
I really, really hate that

Stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You’re a redneck, heartbreak
Who’s really bad at lying

So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
As far as I’m concerned
You’re just another picture to burn

Burn, burn, burn, baby burn
Just another picture to burn
Baby burn

the life i live i wish it didn't seem like as stupid song lol but hey it describes it the best i couldn't do it better

forgive, try to forget, and move on.....

yikes!

i wonder if anyone has been so mad that they cant think straight... hmm why does God decide to put me in such horrible situations. one day i think i am over him and the next i am so uncontrollably sad i want to die.. i feel death would be so much easier but will God take me away no and i have no idea why i beg and plead and yet i wake up each morning so morbidly depressed that i am not in heaven having a way better time.
i wonder how he feels if he beats him self up, i swear he doesnt have a heart because if he did he wouldnt have done this
i hope too and this sounds so mean but i hope he never gets married why is that because the girl that he would marry would be miserable till the day she either quit or died
i will be honest i have a regret in life that was meeting him and falling for him. sad i know but true one day this might change and i will be swept off my feet and will forget he ever existed at least i hope that happens one day
another truth: i wanted to end it to i was absolutely miserable but i prayed about it and chose no to because God can conquer all and would turn us around to become the people he wants us to be well mr tantraphol thought something else he thought there were better fish in the sea well he will be sadly mistaken cause no women will be able to give him what i gave him and i dont just mean my virginity
if he thinks i am only an ex girlfriend thats another sad mistake i am basically an ex wife the only thing we didnt have was a license
no my worry will be is when God does bring me my husband what do i tell him?

life goes on so when will mine?

i maybe rude and mean by writing and feeling this but i dont care one bit call me a bitch call me whatever but i do feel this way

Life and its changes

42 DAYS crazy huh life changed a lot when he chose to not be with me but hey whats the deal do i get sad yeah its strange not having that other half around... but now i have my Savior there with me, he protects me and comforts me in a way no man can. i feel like this was the right thing.. am i bitter a little do i want his stuff out of my house yes! but im not giving it back until he gives me back what i deserve.
i hope God is working through him the way he is in me. i dont live with regrets but i do regret letting Satan in a breaking up what God put together. i hope that through all of this we become better servants for Christ.