i look at my past and i look to my future and all i see is the silly mistakes i have made thus far.
why is it that i realize things a bit to late especially in relationships, it really is a bit ridiculous at how naive i truly am
all i truly need in life is to succeed at being a good wife and mom i don't want to work i don't need to be noble peace prize winner or anything either all i desire is a simple life with a little country house to maintain and a family that knows God. yet it seems so to be quite difficult to find these days....
Friday, August 6, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
true friendship, love and pain
Friendship, Love and all the Pain
True friendship what is it really? Is it only being there during the good times or is it being there through it all, don’t get me wrong I have failed at being a true friend but I have none the less tried. However these last couple days I wonder who are my true friends?
why is it that I feel like when I am in need I can’t look through my phone book without coming to the realization that those contacts are only there in the good times for me yet not in the hard times. Why must secrets be kept? Why can't people tell the truth? Why is it that I feel like when I need a shoulder to cry on I feel like no one is there, all I have is myself with the faint feeling of Gods presents
Loneliness consumes my mind, my heart, and my body.
I hate this horrid feeling yes right now I am in deep pain my heart hurts like a thousand knives have stabbed it, it's not that I am still in love with him or want him back its that I still have the wound it's been only a mere 8 months how long did it take 1 day or even less, how is it that I am not even good enough to receive honesty from my so called friends or even from him for didn't he once say God brought me as his one and only and his true love that I was his future wife, his shining star. “What God brought together let no man separate…”
He accused me of cheating on him, did I? No, I have experienced firsthand what cheating and lying like that does to a person and their family. It happened in my own family not my parents but between two people who were like parents to me. I had deep hate in my heart for many years because of what happened. I myself would never do something so horrendous and cowardly and cause so much pain for another person. The truth of the matter is he was looking for a way out; he took the cowardly way and blamed me for the end of our love.
Now that I look back I see that he had more than once taken the cowardly road and had lied multiple times, I understand now that God has something better in mind for me, but to cross the path of forgiveness is something I must do first. Ephasians 4:31-32
Forgiveness is hard my heart is still broke but do others care? I feel like they don't they have forgotten the last year and 10 months. Does he care? No and that hurts much worse in fact that in itself does its own damage to my heart.
I do hope the best for them but could anybody have warned me? No, no they couldn't? Was it fear for if it was why didn't they trust God with it? Why didn’t they think to tell me that they were seeing each other for wasn’t she supposed to be my “friend?”
True friends can tell the truth, past love should be able too, but they didn't they took the cowardly road and stomped all over my heart once again.
To say we were not true love is to lie a thousand times over for we had a love that was like no other, it ended horrifically, in fact I would never do it over again for even to think about it the pain is too grand. Alfred Lord Tennyson I must say is not as wise as everyone says he is, for he wrote the famous saying, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” truth of the matter I would rather not love and not have to lose out then to feel the pain and sorrow that comes when the love ends. God says he will never give us more than we can handle but I must admit he pushes you so close to the ropes end he is the only one you can look to for help. Am I ready to ask him for help no, no I am not. Is my pride getting in the way? Yes. However I must fall on my knees anyways and beg for his mercy and help through this agony in which I feel.
Because of the last year, 7 months and 21 days I now know I can only trust God and nobody else. My heart has become a stone, how to fix that I have no idea and I prefer not to receive advice for nobody can nor will understand this. Please don't say you do for it is a lie. Not even he can relate to my pain for he had loved and lost before, it seems it was much easier for him to stand up and dust of his pants and find another girl to fall in love with him. Will she end up broken like the rest of us? I have no idea but I do not wish this upon her. Sometimes I think maybe if I had found love and lost love before him I wouldn’t be in so much pain but the answer to that is false for I let him and everyone else enter my heart far to fast, I am not meant to handle many relationships, I wasn’t built that way, I was built to be with only one man and that is the one God intends for me but I screwed up, I sinned, we sinned, so in happing we fell apart, we didn’t wait, we didn’t pray for one another, we didn’t ask for help until too late in the game and because of all of this we lost or in my case I lost, I don’t care about losing him as much as I do about everything else that I gave up spiritually and morally. Now what do I do with this half beaten shell of woman? Do I continue on my pursuit or do I let this whole happening beat me till I breathe my last breath? I will choose to continue on to search for my real prince not one masked by lies and bitter sweet words. If I call myself a daughter of Christ than I must go on does that mean it will be as easy as it was for him? No I cannot forget though I have tried, the past.
It sucks but the lesson learned is I must be blunt, honest and don't take anybodies bullshit and if that makes me seem like a bitch well I honestly don't give damn
I will still be there for those who come to me for I open my arms to all, this I know is the reason why I get trampled but I must handle it however I will not go to those who I know are fake for anything because I can no longer trust that any of them will really be there for me.
A true friend
friend
-noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.
When I first started writing this I want to when the affair began however now I don’t want to be informed on any of it I know enough as it is. I have lost a lot of so called “friendships” going through this mess but I must say I am okay with it. I have no problem giving them over to him for I would rather my friends be real instead of fake.
I have also come to the realization that I see now that he, “dusted off his pants” far sooner than I thought. If timing is to be correct he mentioned her when we sat down and met to exchange things, no wonder he had that cowardly behavior about him. He was too scared to say anything accept for, “not… that.. I have.. but when I do move on…” meaning he had. If he were to tell me differently there would be no reason to believe him, everything that comes from his lips including the, “I would never be able to get over you if we broke up,” to the, “I will love you till I die,” were pure lies (sweet to hear but poison to believe.)
No I have not nor will I have contact with her for it is known that she was in love with him, he and I both knew it from the beginning.
My issue is with him for his cowardly ways have led to so much grief. I want nothing more to do with him or anyone that was supposedly “our” friends from camp.
Camp was once a God filled place until I became a “returnee” than I saw the reality of it, it was all Fake! The people, the place, the message. If their message was sincere and from the heart wouldn’t the rest of camp be the same you cannot give something that has no worth.
My life from here on out will have little to no memory of him it helps that I either gave back, threw away, literally broke or sold anything that reminded me of him and his cowardly ways for even the once good memories have been tainted my smell of lies and deceit.
So to end this I say good luck on life to the both of them
Oh and some advice:
1. Stop being a coward
2. Learn to support her
3. Get a fucking job!
P.S. life hasn’t been so hard without you and now that I am saying farewell the hideous drama shall come to an end and I can find a real man that I won’t have to wear “the pants” in the relationship.
True friendship what is it really? Is it only being there during the good times or is it being there through it all, don’t get me wrong I have failed at being a true friend but I have none the less tried. However these last couple days I wonder who are my true friends?
why is it that I feel like when I am in need I can’t look through my phone book without coming to the realization that those contacts are only there in the good times for me yet not in the hard times. Why must secrets be kept? Why can't people tell the truth? Why is it that I feel like when I need a shoulder to cry on I feel like no one is there, all I have is myself with the faint feeling of Gods presents
Loneliness consumes my mind, my heart, and my body.
I hate this horrid feeling yes right now I am in deep pain my heart hurts like a thousand knives have stabbed it, it's not that I am still in love with him or want him back its that I still have the wound it's been only a mere 8 months how long did it take 1 day or even less, how is it that I am not even good enough to receive honesty from my so called friends or even from him for didn't he once say God brought me as his one and only and his true love that I was his future wife, his shining star. “What God brought together let no man separate…”
He accused me of cheating on him, did I? No, I have experienced firsthand what cheating and lying like that does to a person and their family. It happened in my own family not my parents but between two people who were like parents to me. I had deep hate in my heart for many years because of what happened. I myself would never do something so horrendous and cowardly and cause so much pain for another person. The truth of the matter is he was looking for a way out; he took the cowardly way and blamed me for the end of our love.
Now that I look back I see that he had more than once taken the cowardly road and had lied multiple times, I understand now that God has something better in mind for me, but to cross the path of forgiveness is something I must do first. Ephasians 4:31-32
Forgiveness is hard my heart is still broke but do others care? I feel like they don't they have forgotten the last year and 10 months. Does he care? No and that hurts much worse in fact that in itself does its own damage to my heart.
I do hope the best for them but could anybody have warned me? No, no they couldn't? Was it fear for if it was why didn't they trust God with it? Why didn’t they think to tell me that they were seeing each other for wasn’t she supposed to be my “friend?”
True friends can tell the truth, past love should be able too, but they didn't they took the cowardly road and stomped all over my heart once again.
To say we were not true love is to lie a thousand times over for we had a love that was like no other, it ended horrifically, in fact I would never do it over again for even to think about it the pain is too grand. Alfred Lord Tennyson I must say is not as wise as everyone says he is, for he wrote the famous saying, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” truth of the matter I would rather not love and not have to lose out then to feel the pain and sorrow that comes when the love ends. God says he will never give us more than we can handle but I must admit he pushes you so close to the ropes end he is the only one you can look to for help. Am I ready to ask him for help no, no I am not. Is my pride getting in the way? Yes. However I must fall on my knees anyways and beg for his mercy and help through this agony in which I feel.
Because of the last year, 7 months and 21 days I now know I can only trust God and nobody else. My heart has become a stone, how to fix that I have no idea and I prefer not to receive advice for nobody can nor will understand this. Please don't say you do for it is a lie. Not even he can relate to my pain for he had loved and lost before, it seems it was much easier for him to stand up and dust of his pants and find another girl to fall in love with him. Will she end up broken like the rest of us? I have no idea but I do not wish this upon her. Sometimes I think maybe if I had found love and lost love before him I wouldn’t be in so much pain but the answer to that is false for I let him and everyone else enter my heart far to fast, I am not meant to handle many relationships, I wasn’t built that way, I was built to be with only one man and that is the one God intends for me but I screwed up, I sinned, we sinned, so in happing we fell apart, we didn’t wait, we didn’t pray for one another, we didn’t ask for help until too late in the game and because of all of this we lost or in my case I lost, I don’t care about losing him as much as I do about everything else that I gave up spiritually and morally. Now what do I do with this half beaten shell of woman? Do I continue on my pursuit or do I let this whole happening beat me till I breathe my last breath? I will choose to continue on to search for my real prince not one masked by lies and bitter sweet words. If I call myself a daughter of Christ than I must go on does that mean it will be as easy as it was for him? No I cannot forget though I have tried, the past.
It sucks but the lesson learned is I must be blunt, honest and don't take anybodies bullshit and if that makes me seem like a bitch well I honestly don't give damn
I will still be there for those who come to me for I open my arms to all, this I know is the reason why I get trampled but I must handle it however I will not go to those who I know are fake for anything because I can no longer trust that any of them will really be there for me.
A true friend
friend
-noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.
When I first started writing this I want to when the affair began however now I don’t want to be informed on any of it I know enough as it is. I have lost a lot of so called “friendships” going through this mess but I must say I am okay with it. I have no problem giving them over to him for I would rather my friends be real instead of fake.
I have also come to the realization that I see now that he, “dusted off his pants” far sooner than I thought. If timing is to be correct he mentioned her when we sat down and met to exchange things, no wonder he had that cowardly behavior about him. He was too scared to say anything accept for, “not… that.. I have.. but when I do move on…” meaning he had. If he were to tell me differently there would be no reason to believe him, everything that comes from his lips including the, “I would never be able to get over you if we broke up,” to the, “I will love you till I die,” were pure lies (sweet to hear but poison to believe.)
No I have not nor will I have contact with her for it is known that she was in love with him, he and I both knew it from the beginning.
My issue is with him for his cowardly ways have led to so much grief. I want nothing more to do with him or anyone that was supposedly “our” friends from camp.
Camp was once a God filled place until I became a “returnee” than I saw the reality of it, it was all Fake! The people, the place, the message. If their message was sincere and from the heart wouldn’t the rest of camp be the same you cannot give something that has no worth.
My life from here on out will have little to no memory of him it helps that I either gave back, threw away, literally broke or sold anything that reminded me of him and his cowardly ways for even the once good memories have been tainted my smell of lies and deceit.
So to end this I say good luck on life to the both of them
Oh and some advice:
1. Stop being a coward
2. Learn to support her
3. Get a fucking job!
P.S. life hasn’t been so hard without you and now that I am saying farewell the hideous drama shall come to an end and I can find a real man that I won’t have to wear “the pants” in the relationship.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
the days have passed with the memories in tow
it may not seem like it but happiness is blooming! its been 5 months and i am so blessed to see that God is showing me that their is more to be captured, more to be remembered, more to be loved and more to be lived. change can suck but be patient and wait to see what comes from it
time to start a new path
fpu! here i am so God lets have some fun!!!
time to start a new path
fpu! here i am so God lets have some fun!!!
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